Pride & Mistaken Identity
I wanted to hide. I wanted to fade into the background and pretend I wasn’t having a mental and emotional breakdown. In a room of 50 of the most driven, talented and loving women I felt alone and out of place. The Behind Her Brand conference was something I had been looking forward to for the better part of a year. Networking, growth, catching up with friends I love - that was what I had on my agenda. Instead, all I wanted to do was go home and rethink my life’s decisions.
“Why LORD? Why is this happening now?” I couldn’t understand how I went from confident to collapsing within a fraction of a second. All I did was stand up and state what it is I do. Proudly I said: “I spur on women of the LORD to live lives of purpose with boldness. Unapologetically.”
Proudly…mmm.
I sat back down. It felt like the room shifted. I felt everyone’s eyes on me. Did they see through me? Could they tell I was a fraud? More accurately, could they tell I believed I was a fraud?
Cold waves of regret and embarrassment swept over me. Why did I speak up? Why couldn’t I have just sat there quietly and let someone else share. And then the voices started in; they wasted no time. “You have no business being here. You looked like an idiot. Did you see the way she looked at you? She knows you aren’t doing anyone any good. Sit there and be quiet.” And that was what I did. I didn’t speak up again for the rest of the conference.
Don’t worry, the story doesn’t end there. The LORD used this moment to begin a necessary, albeit painful, transformation in me. In order to get me to the next stage of our relationship, the LORD needed to break down two very destructive barriers within me.
The Barrier of Mistaken Identity
Do you want to know why I felt like a fraud? It’s simple: my podcast - my main vehicle for reaching women of faith - had experienced very little growth in the two years it’s been in existence. I don’t get much interaction, if any, and I have very few downloads. I do receive feedback from time to time on how an episode resonated with one of my listeners, but those moments are rare. And there is no monetary gain at all.
Now, I know success by the world’s standards and success by the LORD’s standards are two VERY different things. I have actually done at least two different episodes about this very topic and I know my value and the value of my work is not tied into the results of what I do. Even if I reach just one, the work was worth it. BUT, in that moment and through the remainder of the conference, no amount of logic, reason or encouragement was enough to penetrate through this emptiness and shame. It sat in my chest like a rock.
The good thing about it though was that it brought to the surface I didn’t realize about myself: my identity was rooted in my performance and outcomes, not in Christ. This moment was key for me and something the LORD showed me was necessary in my transformation.
The Barrier of Pride
Remember what I said earlier? That I “proudly stated” what it is I do? Let me tell you something, any pride, especially pride that comes from serving the LORD, is a problem. A HUGE problem. Pride cannot exist in our hearts if we are going to truly serve the LORD effectively. We cannot put on humility like a robe in public and then in our hearts claim His glory for ourselves. He just won’t allow it. This moment of shame was key for me because it was so profoundly painful and strong. I will never forget how quickly He brought the walls down around me, not to destroy me, rather to rebuild me into His true and complete creation. His daughter.
If you want to know the full story of what happened to me in those two days, you can tune in to The One Called Mama Podcast, Season 8 Ep. 1. I share every detail of what happened and how the LORD met me where I was in the most beautiful ways.
Be blessed.